New Year, Mostly Same Ol’ Me

Happy New Year!

I’d like to start with an apology – I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA. I could blame grief, writer’s block and that big black dog, but I didn’t want to lie. Which is weird. If you’ve been here before, you know that I lie all the time.

Today feels different, and not just because it’s night. I’m scheduling tonight’s post for tomorrow morning, which means that today is tomorrow and that old me is talking to future you. What’s it like in the future? Do you have flying cars and robot maids? 

It’s been a while since last I wrote, but I can’t say why. Well, I CAN, but (as I have recently learned) the why is not important. 

I almost titled today’s (tomorrow’s?) post “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” but

1. I didn’t want to get sued for copyright infringement
2. I don’t have a motorcycle
3. I am nowhere close to being Zen. I think I could best be described as a cat on a hot tin roof who’s in a dither because she’s going to have kittens.

I have spent the past 6 months trying to be more Zen and less chaotic evil (and, to be be perfectly honest, dealing with grief, writer’s block and that damned black dog). My search for my life’s purpose has been…interesting. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I’ve come to the realization that I need to figure it out “soon.” I’m not saying that I’m old, but AARP and Medicare seem to feel otherwise. 

The most interesting thing about my search for meaning (other than realizing that I forget to breathe when I meditate and that my arms are too short for yoga) is finding out that most of my traits are simply coping mechanisms. That’s right – all the things that make me “me” (perfectionism, empathy, attention to detail, anxiety, hypervigilance…) are nothing more than a response to trauma. 

So I have to ask – what happens when I’m done with all the navel-gazing? When I heal from my past trauma, who will I be? If I become someone else, will I need to find yet another purpose?

Uggghhhhhhhh…..This whole “New Year New Me” is not for the weak. I think I’ll just embrace the new year and go back to being the old me. I may not know who I am, but I’ve lived with myself for a long time and I’ve gotten used to all my quirks. It’s Tuesday, so I think I’ll take myself out for tacos and a margarita (or two). We can talk about our trauma and debate the benefits of hot yoga.

I know we’re two weeks in, but I’d like to close with my favorite New Year’s wish: